Destructive behavior
November 30, 2009
It’s my first day back at work in a week, and I’m still finding it very difficult to focus on anything but him while I’m in the office. When I’m not at work, it’s so much easier to not think about him. But when I’m here, my mind keeps drifting over to my instant messenger program to see if he’s green, yellow, red, or offline all together. Such relief comes with seeing he’s not available because then I can’t be tempted to IM him. Of course, IM accessibility doesn’t stop me when I also have email at my disposal. And text messenging. I’ve already started and an email to him, the purpose of which was to “just say hello.” I quickly deleted it after realizing how incredibly lame of a message this would be, not to mention, that it would accomplish nothing and only allow more destructive behavior to persist. I can’t seem to shake him from my mind when I have so many other things I need to be doing; work, of course, being one of them. The bigger, more important thing being my marriage.
As much as I’d love to escape my own personal hell by striking up a conversation or text thread with him, there are so many roadblocks I must continue to keep visible so as not to take another turn on the destructo-merry-go-round. 1) I am married and am trying to repair, renew, recreate a lifeless and dull marriage, and to do so, I must be as clearheaded as possible about my feelings for my partner. How can I honestly evaluate the way I feel for him when I’m caught up in how I feel for another person? 2) The “other man” is, surprise, also married. And happily so. The probability of me and the other man living happily ever after is pretty much zilch, zero, nada. Scratch “pretty much;” it’s improbable period. Why are these two very important reasons not snapping me out of this ridiculous, mind-warping, woe-is-me, depressive funk? It’s time to slough off the chains of my forbidden love fairy tale and call to action the strong, courageous, hopeful, smart, and adventurous person I want to be. The person who can and will do valuable things at work. The person who will make friends and rekindle old ones. The person who will step toward her dreams of learning a language and joining a choir. The person who will hold her supportive family at a healthy distance without letting their opinions influence the direction in which she goes.
I still, even now, wonder what his light is. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll wonder a little bit less.
Wow I just wrote a post on receiving a call from an ex whom I really really liked at a point. While I love my husband, marriage is effort.
I’d like to believe it’s human to wander but it’s wrong to mislead another.
You sound like a friend to me and I wish you luck, and courage as you contemplate on what to do.
And while you’re at it go shop and indulge in some retail therapy. It always works for me!