Destructive behavior

November 30, 2009

It’s my first day back at work in a week, and I’m still finding it very difficult to focus on anything but him while I’m in the office. When I’m not at work, it’s so much easier to not think about him. But when I’m here, my mind keeps drifting over to my instant messenger program to see if he’s green, yellow, red, or offline all together. Such relief comes with seeing he’s not available because then I can’t be tempted to IM him. Of course, IM accessibility doesn’t stop me when I also have email at my disposal. And text messenging. I’ve already started and an email to him, the purpose of which was to “just say hello.” I quickly deleted it after realizing how incredibly lame of a message this would be, not to mention, that it would accomplish nothing and only allow more destructive behavior to persist. I can’t seem to shake him from my mind when I have so many other things I need to be doing; work, of course, being one of them. The bigger, more important thing being my marriage.

As much as I’d love to escape my own personal hell by striking up a conversation or text thread with him, there are so many roadblocks I must continue to keep visible so as not to take another turn on the destructo-merry-go-round. 1) I am married and am trying to repair, renew, recreate a lifeless and dull marriage, and to do so, I must be as clearheaded as possible about my feelings for my partner. How can I honestly evaluate the way I feel for him when I’m caught up in how I feel for another person? 2) The “other man” is, surprise, also married. And happily so. The probability of me and the other man living happily ever after is pretty much zilch, zero, nada. Scratch “pretty much;” it’s improbable period. Why are these two very important reasons not snapping me out of this ridiculous, mind-warping, woe-is-me, depressive funk? It’s time to slough off the chains of my forbidden love fairy tale and call to action the strong, courageous, hopeful, smart, and adventurous person I want to be. The person who can and will do valuable things at work. The person who will make friends and rekindle old ones. The person who will step toward her dreams of learning a language and joining a choir. The person who will hold her supportive family at a healthy distance without letting their opinions influence the direction in which she goes.

I still, even now, wonder what his light is. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll wonder a little bit less.

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Jumping off the cliff

November 25, 2009

I’m at my parents’ house to deliver the news that my husband and I have separated, that I have moved out of my house and am looking for a temporary place to live. I arrived here around 2:30 pm today anticipating that I would let the cat out of the bag at dinner. Now it’s 10:30 pm and I haven’t said a word. I leave tomorrow, so the latest plan, now going on its 10th iteration (the first one plotted about two weeks ago), is to break their hearts at breakfast. I just don’t know how to find the words to tell them. But as soon as I do, I will have jumped off the cliff. There will be no going back. I don’t know how far it is to the bottom, and I’m scared to find out.

I keep thinking about contacting my married guy friend to seek his comfort even though I know it’s a bad idea. If my husband and I are to have any hope of salvaging what’s left of our marriage, I’d better try really hard to not think of this other guy, to not ponder the various mediums through which I could safely get his attention without risking his wife’s awareness.

I write all these things here for release. I know that my choices might elicit judgement from those who aren’t keenly aware of the complexities of life’s most intimate relationships; my choices will certainly elicit judgement from my self, something I dole out in harsh and cruel ways. But through this writing outlet, I will strive not to judge even my own thoughts. Here I will allow myself the opportunity and the freedom to “get it out” in any form my thoughts may take and to not get in the way.

I’m standing at the edge and am about to test my limits.